What If...SG1 Came To Visit
by Gemsong
Summary: No description would be adequate. Just call it random weirdness when alternate realities collide


Title: What if... SG-1 Came To Visit   
Author: Gemsong E-Mail : capricorn1@worldnet.att.net   
Category: Humor [I hope]   
Season: Whenever   
Spoilers: Vague ones to whatever I could think of   
Rating: PG   
Content Warning: Weirdness and innuendoes galore   
Summary- No description would be adequate. Just call it random weirdness when alternate realities collide Disclaimer: They're not mine. They would have a lot more fun if they were. Nobody will pay me for this. Therefore I remain poor and miserable and not worth suing.   
Dedication: For all my new friends. I hope you're all speaking to me after this.   
Author's Note: This is my first fic, conceived in a fit of weirdness. Be gentle. Thanks to Skydiver for beta'ing my first attempt.  
  
*** Gemsong's House ***   
  
Jack walked into the room, hands in his pockets. He leaned over Gemsong's shoulder to squint at what was on her computer screen. "What are you doing?" he asked curiously.   
  
Gemsong flushed embarrassed. "Uh... responding to a thread," she replied.   
  
Jack squinted again. "Whumping?!" he said straightening abruptly. "Who this time?!"   
  
"Uh... Daniel..."  
  
"For cryin' out loud!" Jack exclaimed. "Haven't you done enough to the poor guy? Haven't you heard it's not nice to pick on people wearing glasses?"   
  
"Uh, sorry Jack," Gemsong replied.   
  
He rocked on his feet shaking his head. "You really need to find something else to do with your life," he said and wandered out of the room.   
  
Gemsong smiled quietly. "Sucker..." she mumbled and typed away cheerfully at her computer.   
  
Jack was still shaking his head as he headed toward the stairs that led back down to the first floor of the house. The light for the stairs were off and he ignored the switch thinking there was enough light coming up from the living room. He didn't see that Gemsong's black cat "Dragon" had decided to take one of his regular snoozes on the cool wood of the top step. Jack's combat boot came down on Dragon's tail with his full weight. The cat yowled in pain so loudly it scared the white out of a couple random snowflakes fluttering outside. The colonel jerked back his foot reflexively, but was unfortunately was over balanced and he fell forward. Frantically he grabbed at the railing to break his fall. It broke loose from the wall. "Oh damn..." Jack said as he crashed headlong down the stairs.   
He lay at the bottom of the stairs and groaned.  
  
Gemsong's husband [Who's initials happen to really be RDA] appeared. "That had to hurt," RDA said helping Jack up.   
  
"Ya think?" Jack replied wincing. He hobbled over to the couch and gingerly sank down on the end. RDA sat down on the other end of the couch and picked up the remote for another bout of cable surfing.   
  
The half Persian cat Rajah hopped up on the couch and into Jack's lap and settled himself for a long snooze. Jack wouldn't be moving anytime soon.   
  
A few minutes later Gemsong came downstairs to get a drink. "Where is everyone?" Jack asked.   
  
"Well Daniel's in the attic," Gemsong said, hiding the grease stained rag she had used on the stairs.   
  
"Doing what?" Jack asked.   
  
"I'm not sure, but he found our wedding china," Gemsong replied.   
  
"I thought we lost that when we moved from Arizona?" RDA said surprised.   
  
"I guess not," Gemsong smirked.   
  
RDA shook his head. "Amazing what you can find under layers of insulation...." he said.   
  
Jack smirked. "Fiberglass insulation?" he asked.   
  
Gemsong's husband nodded. Jack snickered. The boy was going to have a serious itching problem when he returned to the present.   
  
"Where's Sam?" Jack asked.   
  
RDA shrugged. "Last I saw she was in my garage with a couple VCRs and a broken down TV," he said.   
  
"Doing what?" Gemsong asked.  
  
Her husband shrugged again. "She lost me after she hooked up the truck battery to it," he said.   
  
Jack rolled his eyes. "And where's Teal'c?"   
  
Gemsong made a face. "Chris is explaining WWF wrestling to him," she said with a shudder, considering the viewing habits of her 14-year-old. There was a loud thump that came from the back of the house.   
  
"What the hell was that?" RDA asked. Jack smirked again. "Practicing wrestling moves no doubt," he said.   
  
Gemsong shook her head and headed out to the kitchen Another thump came from the back of the house followed by a "well done Christopher" in Teal'c's voice.   
  
Gemsong came out of the kitchen with a glass of fruit juice when the doorbell rang. She walked to the door and opened it. She was surprised to see Peachy. "You're a long way from home," Gemsong said.   
  
Peachy shrugged and smiled. "Well I heard..." she began.   
  
Gemsong grinned and pointed to the stairs. "Door at the right at the top of the stairs," she replied. Peachy grinned her thanks and headed up the stairs. The attic was only half finished. One side of the sloped room was nothing but rows upon rows of books and videotapes covering a wide variety of subjects and genres. Another corner appeared to be a craft center with many projects half completed all representative of Gemsong's Native American heritage. There was a thump followed by a sneeze. An access hole had been cut into the opposite wall. Peachy knelt down and crawled in. A droplight showed the area was full of boxes and insulation on the verge of falling down. In the middle of this was Daniel Jackson.   
  
"What are you doing?" Peachy asked.  
  
Daniel looked up and sneezed again. "You wouldn't believe some of the things I've found," he said scratching absently from the insulation that was working its way through his clothes.   
  
Peachy held a cloth over her nose. "Like what?"  
  
Daniel held up something that looked like the head bone of a Minbari from Babylon 5. "I found Gemsong's costume collection. Not only that, I found a real working Commodore 128 computer. Do you realize how rare those are? Sam will love it." Peachy held back a restrained snicker. "And," Daniel continued as he held up a green fatigue jacket. "I found Gemsong's Air Force uniforms!"  
  
The last few hours on Darden Lane had gotten interesting. Gemsong had guests coming out of the woodwork. Peachy had managed to pry Daniel out of the attic and into the shower. She was very upset when Gemsong refused to let her wash him. She was now pouting and holding vigil outside the bathroom door.   
  
Skip showed up and pounced Jack on couch. His howl of pain when she landed on his bad leg was almost as good as Dragon's when Jack stepped on his tail. It would have stopped there, except Carkedit climbed through the window and joined the fray claiming Jack for herself.   
  
Rick was busy refereeing while Jack was trying to sneak out the back door. Starling had shown up and scared the heck out of Gemsong's son when she tried to make off with Teal'c. Of course Teal'c wasn't the type to be moved unless he wanted to be.  
  
Coffeecup showed up soon after to give Starling a hand. The doorframe would be giving way soon. Gemsong shook her head and went outside. Sam was still in the garage and currently safe from fan mobs. At least it was a nice day.   
  
She sipped her juice and noticed it had gotten darker. She looked up to see a giant pyramid hovering over her neighborhood. The sight so distracted her she didn't see the other three members of SG-1 climbing out windows followed by their avid fans. But in a moment all were silent at they stared up at the sight.   
  
"That is a goa'uld mothership," Peachy said in awe.   
  
"You think it's Apophis?" Starling asked   
  
"He has any left?" Skip asked.   
  
"Isn't this the point in the episode where the sight of a mothership is usually followed by a horde of Jaffa with shoot to kill orders?" asked JSC who was simply in the neighborhood and heard that RDA made cheesecakes.   
  
Jack took in a lungful of air. "CARTER!!!!" Suddenly everyone dived to the ground as a huge KER-WOOOSH from a Stargate event horizon took out the side of the garage. They lifted their heads and stared.   
  
"Gemsong, when did you get a Stargate in your garage?" Peachy asked.   
  
"I didn't...." Gemsong sputtered.   
  
Sam walked out of what was left of the garage wiping her hands on a rag. "Good thing Daniel found that Commodore 128," she said by way of explanation. "I was able to cannibalize the CPU and used it as a base for the fraculator. Once I had that, I could connect to phernon to the..."  
  
At which point JSC put a hand over Sam's mouth gently to stem the flow of technobabble. JSC shrugged and smiled. "I'm a moderator."   
  
"There's no naquadah on earth," Skip said.   
  
"You can't make a Stargate without naquadah," Carkedit replied. Everyone looked at Gemsong.  
  
She shrugged and smiled. "It's fiction," she said. "Poetic license."   
  
Coffeecup held up a hand. "And now..." she said dramatically. THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP came the sound of the metal shod march of an army of Jaffa. The entire group dived through the Stargate.  
  
RDA and Christopher watched them vanish. "Dad?" Christopher said as he watched his father turning off the holographic equipment.   
  
"Yes, son?"   
  
"Why did you do that?"   
  
"This Old House with Bob Vila is coming on and I wanted quiet," RDA replied.   
  
"Mom's gonna be pissed when she gets back," Christopher said.  
  
"Probably," RDA replied.   
  
  
  
Sometimes Lady Fate can be kind. Sometimes she can be perverse. And often she is both. Today she was in rare form.  
  
Seven thunks later the Stargate erupted with it's usual fanfare before retreating to the calm watery surface it's travelers knew so well. Gate travel is an experience. The group that tumbled out of the Stargate en masse better resembled a horde of puppies hurtling down a flight of stairs after someone yelled 'dinner'.   
  
The end result looked like the pile up after a football game. And about as comfortable. It took a few minutes for everyone to get sorted out. There were a couple yips and yelps from Jack and Daniel as hands strayed further from their owners to tender body parts. Innocent looks abounded, but one can hardly blame a dedicated fan faced with a prime opportunity. Teal'c didn't yelp, but he was becoming the master of the long suffering look. Finally everyone was on their feet and able to take a look around. Lady Fate's kindness showed in the fact there was no one else around. That's where the kindness ended.   
  
On one side of the Stargate there were trees.   
  
Lots and lots of trees. A whole bunch of trees. A literal forest of trees.   
  
Jack stared and whimpered. "Trees," he said in a small voice. Skip and Carkedit leaped to comfort him. Jack wisely ducked and the two crashed into each other. Jack smirked and looked innocent. He hadn't forgotten the painful pouncing on the couch.   
  
On the other side of the Stargate were rocks.   
  
Lotsa rocks. Big rocks. Little rocks. ROCKS. Plain rocks. Fancy rocks. Multicolored rocks. And rocks with stuff carved on them.  
  
Daniel got a glazed look and his face. Peachy leapt forward and snagged the back of his shirt. But the lure of archeological discovery gave him new strength and Peachy was dragged along, her heels leaving furrows in the turf. Gemsong grabbed at Peachy, hoping that the additional weight would slow him down. Unfortunately not enough.   
  
Meanwhile Teal'c was becoming uneasy with Starling and Coffeecup on either side giving him worshiping looks. Seeing the situation and deciding there should be at least one person doing something useful, he walked over to Daniel and picked him up by the scruff of the neck. Daniel was too deep in his anthropological haze to notice so he continued to walk. On air. At least they knew where he was.   
  
Sam, unburdened by fans was buried waist deep in the guts of the DHD to make sure it was in working order so they could get back. As soon as they figured out where the heck they were.   
  
Jack rubbed his hands together then realized he was in charge of the motley crew and they had to do something. "Okay campers," he said. Skip smirked.   
  
"I don't think we're in Virginia anymore," Gemsong said.   
  
"Ya think?" came the chorus from Jack, Skip and Carkedit. Gemsong rolled her eyes. And she thought *she* watched too much Stargate.   
  
"Okay, let's go check out Danny's rocks," Jack said. Anything to avoid the trees which no doubt held hordes of primitive natives out to ruin his day. Teal'c carefully set the still walking Daniel down, but kept hold of him. The entire troop marched toward the assorted piles of rocks with Daniel muttering 'artifacts, artifact, artifacts' in a sort of cadence. Eventually they reached the remains of a ruined temple.   
  
Perched on a couple boulders were a couple familiar faces. "Hi guys," Skydiver said from her seat next to Jack. Jack? There were several double takes. Yup. Two Jacks.   
  
"Who are you?" Skip whimpered confused. There were obviously still not enough Jacks to go around.   
  
"I'm Jack," he said.   
  
"TM," said Skydiver.   
  
"TM?" asked Peachy.   
  
"Tin Man." There was a chorus of 'oooohhhhhh...'   
  
"Yeah, I'm the energizer bunny," TM Jack said and leered at Skydiver. She blushed.   
  
"Oh for crying out loud," Jack said. "What are you doing here?"   
  
"Uh..." Skydiver stuttered. TM Jack handed her the script. "Welcome to Wally World and-" TM Jack reached over and turned the page. "Oh... welcome to Hapi's World. Home of the collector."   
  
"The what?" Carkedit asked.   
  
Skydiver smiled. "You'll see," she said.   
  
"But what are you doing here?" Jack asked. Skydiver smiled and shrugged, hopping off her perch.   
  
"I'm a moderator." JSC snickered. "Come along," she said and lead the way inside. Peachy peeled Daniel off a carved wall, dusted him off and followed along with the others.   
  
Inside there was a bunch of people. Or rather a bunch of duplicates. All kinds of variations of SG-1 from alternate realities. Several AR Jacks were playing stick hockey. AR Sams were deep in theoretical physics. There were several whimpers. One Teal'c was sitting with his feet on a table juggling some balls, while another Jack was sitting on the floor meditating.   
  
"Which ones are those?" Gemsong asked blankly.   
  
"Oh, they're from the episode where Jack and Teal'c got their minds switched," Skydiver replied. "So basically you've got Teal'c body with Jack's mind." Starling fainted at the point from the overload. She had said she would take Jack or Teal'c, but having them both in one body was just too much for the poor girl.   
  
Suddenly there was a loud gong. Skydiver sighed. "Here we go again," she said. The far wall slid aside and reveal and strong handsome man. He was beyond sexy. Beyond gorgeous. He made Adonis look like a dweeb. There was silence as he strode into the room. Then his eyes flashed in a familiar fashion.   
  
"Bow down before me, humans," he boomed. "Bow down before your god, Hapi."   
  
"You have got to be kidding," Jack said. "What kind of 'ghoul' would call himself 'Happy'?" Jack asked in bemused disgust.   
  
"Uh Jack," Daniel said helpfully. "It was believed in pre-dynastic times that the god Osiris was a river-god and he became identified with Hap or Hapi the god of the Nile and-" Peachy wisely put a hand over his mouth as Jack looked on the verge of a messy explosion.   
  
"We don't bow to no stinkin ghoul!" Skip shouted in a fit of false courage.   
  
"Then I will teach you the error or your ways, human," Hapi said looking impressive.   
  
Skydiver was reading from the script. " said the goa'uld looking impressive. Then predictably and with lots of warning there was a ..." TROMP TROMP TROMP Hundreds of Jaffa tromped into the room and began shoving people around and getting them sorted into groups.  
  
All the Jacks were in one group. All the Sams in another. All the Daniels in yet another. And all the fans in their own little group. Except Skydiver and JSC, who were following the script.   
  
"How did you capture so many of us," Daniel asked confused.   
  
"That was easy human," Hapi said. And with a grand god-like and pretentious sweep of his arm he revealed his accomplice. Martouf stepped forward trying to look impressive in his new outfit and failing miserably.   
  
"Martouf!" cried one of the Sams cried and swooned.   
  
"But why?" Daniel asked. "You were Tok'ra."  
  
"Because I learned in most of the alternate realities I die miserably and alone," he whined. "And I found the 'Kill Martouf' list in the fanfic forums."   
  
"Okay, I see your point," Jack said ignoring the shuffling from the fan group. "But that's no reason to do this. I mean you should see the Jack and Danny whumping lists." The shuffling increased. Skip whistled innocently.   
  
Hapi interrupted to tell them is plans like a well-trained bad guy. He pointed to the Daniels. "You will be slaves," he said. He pointed to the Teal'c. "You are all shol'va and will be tortured for an extremely unpleasant long time." He pointed at the Jacks. "You will all become Jaffas." He pointed to the Sams. "You will become hosts and my harem." Then he looked at the fans. "You, I'll be damned if I know what to do with you."   
  
"You said I could have them," Martouf whined.   
  
"Fine, fine, whatever," Hapi replied. What a whiner.   
  
"You can't do this!" MsGudBod cried.   
  
"You'll never get away with this!" Neo shouted.   
  
"When did they get here?" Starling asked. Coffeecup and Carkedit shrugged. Then all eyes turned on Gemsong.   
  
"What?!" she asked feeling the pressure.   
  
"Well it is your fic," Peachy said.   
  
Gemsong shrugged. "So I took requests. Sue me," she replied.  
  
In the next moment the horde of Jaffa shoved each group into a cell with open bars so they could look out and plot their timely escape. Except for Skydiver and JSC. They had scripts.   
  
"Hey, why do you guys get to stay out there, you're fans too," Coffeecup protested.   
  
Skydiver smiled. "We're moderators," she said. "And we have scripts."  
  
"Give me that!" Skip snapped reaching through the bars and snatching the script from her hand.   
  
Neo muttered to himself. "I'm surrounded by women. I have nothing to complain about." Several glares turned in his direction. "On second thought...."   
  
Meanwhile Skip was writing furiously. "Skip and Jack agilely jimmied open the locks and..." she muttered aloud.   
  
"Which one?" JSC asked.  
  
"Which one what?" Skip asked distracted.   
  
"Which Jack?" JSC asked sweetly.   
  
"Why the original of course," Skip replied as it was the most obvious thing in the world.   
  
"And which one is that?" Skip looked across into the other cell as the horde of Jacks milled impatiently.   
  
"Uh..." then she had a semi-bright idea. Only semi-bright since the light bulb didn't fully form.   
  
"Which of you is the original?" she asked.   
  
"I am," came the response from all but one. It was the Tinman Jack and he leered at Skydiver making her blush. What were they doing before the rest arrived?   
  
"Don't be ridiculous," Carkedit snapped. "I can tell which is the original Jack. He's mine."   
  
"No mine!" Skip yelled.   
  
"Can't we share?" Starling asked. The argument increased in volume and creativity. The Teal'cs were getting an education of biblical proportions. Not to mention a view of the English language usually reserved for movies or confessing televangelists.   
  
Meanwhile, the Sams had managed to jimmy the locks and get everyone out.   
  
One of the Jacks reached out and put a hand over each spewing mouth. "Ladies... please," he said and nodded at Teal'c. "You're scaring the children."   
  
Everyone left their cell and the Jacks attempted to get people sorted out and somewhat under control. Considering the size of the crowd it was an effort within itself.   
  
"So what do we do now?" Starling asked.   
  
"We see about getting out of here," Jack replied. "And we stop that 'ghoul'. Although with a name like 'Happy' you'd think he'd stop himself."   
  
"And Martouf?" Gemsong asked.  
  
"So many alternate realities can't be wrong," Neo muttered. Of course the situation wasn't terrible for him. He found himself among some of the Sams and they weren't glaring at him.   
  
"All right," Jack said. "Teal'c!"   
  
"Yes O'Neill," came the chorus of response from all the Teal'cs, the Teal'c in Jack's body and one fan named Teal'c.   
  
"When did she get here?" Skip asked.  
  
Coffeecup shrugged. "Must be another gratuitous insertion," she replied. Skydiver retrieved her script from Skip.   
  
Then with unusual silence, the large group crept down the corridors. They met no one. No Jaffa. No goa'uld. No guards. No new fans. It was quite strange. One would think a system lord would be better organized. But that was clearly not the case. After a lot of walking they found themselves in a room that appeared to be a throne room. Gold plate everywhere. Suddenly there was a huge puff of smoke and the clash of drums. "I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL HAPI!"   
  
"Oh pul-LEEZE!" Jack said in disgust.   
  
"The gratuitous Oz reference," JSC said checking her script.   
  
Neo and one of the Sam marched behind the throne and pulled back the curtain. Naturally it was Martouf who was naturally unimpressive. Not to mention rather obvious.   
  
"Where's Hapi?" Sam asked.   
  
"I'll never tell!" Martouf said attempting arrogance. Teal'c walked over and hauled him up by the scruff of the neck. "I'LL TELL!" he squealed like a prom queen without a corsage.   
  
"Well, spill it," Skip demanded impatiently.   
  
"He went to a Gatecon!" Martouf wailed. "He heard Apophis and Hathor were going to be there and he went to get their autographs and vocational advice.   
  
Jack ran a hand through his hair and groaned. "Only a fanfic writer could come up with a story like this," he said. Gemsong whistled innocently. "Okay," Jack said. "Where are all the Jaffa?"   
  
"They have an afternoon game against the Dallas Cowboys," Martouf whined feeling put upon. "I've got extra tickets."   
  
"So there is no one here who can effectively stop us from leaving," Daniel said.   
  
"What are you going to do to me?" Martouf squealed.   
  
"Nothing," Teal'c intoned. But he had the slightest smirk on his lips. He looked around the room and found what he wanted. He walked to a wall and hung Martouf by the collar on a hook and walked away.  
  
"You can't do this to me!" Martouf wailed ineffectively.   
  
"I believe I did," Teal'c replied with a sense of satisfaction.   
  
"Now what?" Jack asked.   
  
JSC and Skydiver compared scripts. "This is where everyone gets sorted out and leaves to live happily every after," Skydiver said.   
  
Chaos ensured as the fans grabbed at the objects of affection and obsession. Neo fainted overcome by the choices of Sams. Several helped him up and led him away to do things men only dream about in their fantasies.  
  
Starling, faced with a difficult choice grabbed the Jack and Teal'c who were inhabiting each other's bodies and led them off. They would have to convince her which one was best.   
  
Coffeecup, MsGudBod, 'Teal'c', and JSC each grabbed a Teal'c [with and without facial hair] and took off in another direction.   
  
Skydiver had already selected her 'Jack' from the beginning and she and the 'Tinman' disappeared to do things imagined only by adults with kinky tendencies.   
  
Peachy, overwhelmed by choices as well, invited the Daniels to a dig in Peru and they all left happily comparing notes. Peachy was actually happily comparing Daniels. Her object of comparison is best left to the sick imaginations of the readers.   
  
This left Skip and Carkedit to grab the original 'Jack' for their very own. If they could only figure out which one it was.   
  
Gemsong meanwhile took a seat on the throne with the discarded scripts and wrote.   
  
"Well which one is it?" Skip demanded.   
  
"Which one is what?" Gemsong asked with an air of innocence.   
  
"Which one is the original?" Carkedit demanded. "This is your fic after all." She pointed a staff weapon at Gemsong. Skip grabbed a Zat and pointed it at her.   
  
Gemsong smiled and pointed to the corner of the room where a Jack and Sam were doing a session of tongue hockey that would satisfy any 'shipper'.   
  
Naturally Carkedit and Skip didn't take it well and fired at Gemsong.   
  
Gemsong raised her hand device and deflected the shots.   
  
"Hey!" Skip protested.   
  
"Pul-LEEZE!" Gemsong said. "This is my fanfic so I can have anything I want. Including a happy ending. Here you have all these Jacks to choose from and you're complaining."   
  
Skip and Carkedit looked at each other. Then they looked at the Jacks.   
  
"We could do a comparison?" Skip offered.   
  
"Yeah, to see which is closest to the original," Carkedit said with a growing smile. With that the two of them took off with all the Jacks to do a comparison that is also best left to the perverted and twisted minds of the readers.   
  
Gemsong smiled and made a final note in the script. "And they all lived happily ever after," she muttered aloud.   
  
"The End."   
  



End file.
